Going Solo

Male Masterbation Aids

If you ever want to compare one civilization to another in terms of how technologically advanced that culture is, we would argue basing it on  what kind of sex toys they used as the number one factor. Seriously. 

When survival becomes easy, and life becomes stable and routine, people get bored, and comfortable. When people are bored and comfortable, they think.

They think long and hard about better ways to get off. They think about sex, and pleasure, and better orgasms. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have proof we are at an apex of human civilization. 

Much like the beautiful and ornate dildos the Romans, and Egyptians produced, and the bread dildos of the Greek Empire, We have entered into the Cyberskin Age of realistic sex toys, and it is glorious. Only cultures that are thriving have the time and resources to invent and create such novel approaches to busting a nut. 

We have thousands of vibrators and dildos for ladies on the website, and for a very long time Men were almost completely ignored and totally reliant on digital manipulation. Rosey Palm, Choking The Chicken, Beating Your Dick, Etc. NO MORE!! 

The section of male sexual products has tripled in the past few years, and shows no signs of slowing down. We must (in spite of the pandemic) have a very comfortable life going on. Let’s take a few moments to detail what some of the best products have to offer.

Happy Ending Rinse And Repeat Whack Pack Egg - At under $15 this “egg” shaped sleeve fits on the head of your penis (after a drop or two of lube or water from the shower). Masturbating with one of these sliding down the sides of your dick is an eye opening experience. Maintaining the discipline not to sling our yogurt at the first opportunity was TOUGH. It feels amazing, and could not be easier to clean unless you just tossed it after using it. Use a water based lube, and some babysitter porn and call it a night. 5/5 Stars 

We could easily stop here and make this our shortest blog post, but what the hell maybe there is something more we can uncover. We are all about science, and discovery so whatever we can do to further civilization never let it be said we shirked our responsibility. 

Vulcan Love Skin Tight Vagina- $20 will get you a true “cunt in a can” sleeve experience. Inside this plastic outer container is a soft, textured, “real skin” feeling sex toy. You can vary the suction by covering and uncovering the hole at the far end of the tube. You can either hold this one in your hand, or place it between two pillows and bang it like a drum, leaving your hands free to scroll through Xnxx for all the free amature porn your heart desires. Don’t skimp on the lube, and it can be a mind blowing experience.  (You’re Welcome) 3/5 Stars.

If you are really in a pinch (or are incarcerated ) using a banana peel is probably as close as you can get to the real thing. Peel any size banana and eat the fruit. Replace the fruit you just ate with your dick, and beat off like a monkey. Take a shower and think about what you just did. That was an innocent piece of fruit you just violated buddy. Let’s calm the fuck down. 

There are as many homespun replacements for vaginas as there are for dicks and if you put your mind to it you can probably think of at least a dozen more ways to "Release the Kraken" effectively. 

I am not saying we have done this, but we heard that taking a bread wrapper and rolling it into a towel will pretty closely mimic the female anatomy if you use a towel warmed in the dryer, and lube it adequately. Failure to lubricate it might result in painful chafing (we’ve heard). 

If you have a few bucks to spend though we have even better options than the ones we have discussed. These next toys will blow your mind as well as more than a few meat bullets.  Let’s Proceed. 

The ZOLO Heatstroke is a male masterbator with warming, and vibration, and a few more tricks up its sleeve. It has variable speed function, stroke counter, LED display, and battery level display. It comes with its own travel case and it looks like modern art. Everyone we have handed one of these to has disappeared with it so we assume it is pretty good. A petition to allow people to marry this thing has been suggested so we are pretty confident it works as advertised. ?/5 Seriously we could not get a comment. 

The PDX Interactive Titty Fucker If you want a professional level serious business, top of the line, down and dirty, total experience, look no further. This is no joke, and is for men serious about blowing loads. Once you start messing with this thing you might think you are hearing things… Funny story, YOU ARE HEARING THINGS.. It actually starts cheering you on.

 It is glorious if you are into hearing feedback from your sex toys. (We kinda are) Of course the voices can be turned off to go into stealth mode, but we like it loud over here. It is definitely a next level toy. 4/5  (Only because it uses a bit of lube) 

This is part one of a several part exploration on toys for men. If we did not cover your favorite, mention it in the comments. We are taking a random comment in the month of April and sending them a Vulkan CyberSkin Mouth Stroker with Warming Lube    Because we care. All you have to do to enter is make a comment and let us know how you like the store. 

Keep skeet shooting,